Have you ever looked at a room in your house, thought, what a disaster, and were overwhelmed as to where to begin?
That in a sense, is what this post is about. Where to begin describing what life feels like right now, in the thick of it. My head is filled with all kinds of thoughts and going 100mph!
Raising two children so close in age is such a huge challenge. They fight. Over everything! There is constant yelling, screaming, and crying. They do not listen to anything I tell them. I get yelled at all day by a 4 year old. My almost 3 year old is a serious whiner. I struggle all day to have patience, and by struggle I mean, I often lose my shit. Then feel awful and beat myself up over it. I do not get enough sleep. I can not remember the last time I was able to sleep for 8 hours uninterrupted. Or even have 8 hours of sleep. I usually eat one meal a day, and sometimes that doesn’t even happen. I run on caffeine.
The mess in my house feels like nothing compared to the mess within myself. I’m uptight, anxious, overwhelmed, stressed, feeling inept, feeling like I’m screwing everything up. I am envious and resentful of my husband. He claims he understands but I really don’t think he does. I’m resentful of the fact that he gets to go do something at least once a week (but usually a lot more) that he truly enjoys, golf. There have been many golf tournaments, and he plays in a league once a week. That is a lot of time to have doing something that you enjoy and gives you peace away from the chaos of home. Plus he works six days a week. I’m jealous that he can do his errands and other things without having to get babysitters or drag alone both kids in tow. And that his things are always more important than my things that I need to do. I often feel like I just can’t do it all again for another day all by myself.
If I’m lucky enough to get a night out with friends, it is usually once or twice a month and for about 3-4 hours. While I get the phone calls from the boys asking/crying wondering when I’m coming home. Sometimes I am lucky enough to have an auntie or grandparent come take them for a little bit. If I ever get that break, I will usually try to take a nap. However it seems to be expected that I should have been cleaning the house, or doing more shit for everyone else. When you clean everyone else’s messes every day it gets frustrating. All I do is clean and pick up, but it always looks like a bomb went off in our house. It’s a never ending cycle that seems to be my job. Just another job I’m completely failing at.
I often wonder what’s wrong with me. What should I change or do differently? Can I make this better? What if this doesn’t get better? What if I’m being an awful mom and I’m screwing up the boys? Am I just in a funk? I know my husband is feeling this as well. He says “I have a short fuse all of the time!” I am aware, but in that moment I would like to yell and scream, but instead I cry. I cry because I’m not enjoying this time, and feel terrible for that. I cry because I wish I was doing better. I cry because I am mad at myself for not having the patience anymore. I cry because I feel like all I do is yell.
There are moments that are great, but overall, this is the hardest shit I have ever had to do. It seems when you are feeling this way every other mom has it together and is so happy and everything is just wonderful. Should it be? Or is what I’m feeling normal? Am I just doing everything wrong, or do other moms have these feeling too? If one of my friends were sharing these feelings with me, my first tip would be they need to take care of themselves. I totally understand this theory and I believe it is 100% true, however I know real life makes this easier said then done.
The Overwhelmed Mom