Love & Chaos

This summer has been very different, difficult, and trying for me.  Being home full time with the boys is a blessing for sure, but that doesn’t mean it has been easy.

Every single day there is fighting, whining, yelling, crying and that’s just me.  Then the boys argue like crazy, fight over every single thing the other one touches. Christopher has a new love for taking off his own pull-ups, full of poop.  I’ve had to clean up poop, puke, and other bodily fluids (from children and cats) every day for the last three days straight.

I can’t keep up with anything.  Every time I try to get one thing accomplished I turn around and there are now 5 more messes.  I used to be a little OCD about cleaning.  I had to let a lot of that go when my husband and I got together, because he is a total slob and if I didn’t relax some, we would have never stayed together.  Now I have slob #1 plus #2, #3, and #4, along with three cats and I pretty much lost my dog that I love so much, that is a whole other story.  Please, don’t even get me going about the cats!

I remember when I was a kid and I would get really mad at my mom.  I would dream about  running away some day.  Well of course that never happened, but the real truth is, I think about running away more now as an adult.  Of course I wouldn’t do it now either, but I have had dreams about it.

I have put a ton of doubt and guilt on myself as to whether or not I’m doing a good job with the kids.  I often wonder if it would be better for everyone if I return to work as soon as possible.  Maybe spending less time with them would give me more patience, and I wouldn’t get as frustrated as often.  I am completely torn!  I can also feel the outside pressure and attitude from others too.  As if what I do all day is a piece of cake, and should be so excited because I do not have to go to work every day. Well you need to know that these boys are work, a ton of work, and you wouldn’t be able to do it like I have been for more than 1 day.  All of the comments, looks, and other obvious signs of disgust really aren’t helping matters.

My husband doesn’t understand how I can be tired all of the time.  Well for starters, I play musical beds every night.  I usually end up in three beds each night for a little bit of time.  Sometimes alone, but I swear the boys have body heat radar and can track me down, even in the darkest of rooms.  Do they ever look for daddy, no, it’s always mom.

Every day I look at, and try to eliminate, the 10 loads of laundry that need to be done.  I’m lucky to have two  real pain in the asses, such big helpers, to help me fold it.  Fold it means, after I’ve folded it, they throw it all over the floor.

Every day I pack up the boys and take them out to do something fun.  Whether it be to a local playground, indoor playground, trampoline park, swimming, to amusement parks, children’s museums, zoo, beach, or the aquarium, every single day.  Just getting an almost 3 year old and 4 year old out the door is tiring, never mind running around with them all day doing these fun activities.

You can’t talk about being tired and not mention how demanding these boys are. With no exaggeration, I must hear mommy 15,000 times a day. From the second they wake up at 6:30ish to bedtime at 8, it is non stop.  They seem to act very badly for me compared to anyone that babysits them.  Every little frustration seems to make them lash out at me.

Also remembering everything everyone needs, doctors appointments, preschool enrollment, memberships, bills, blog work and deadlines, shopping lists, social events (to which I hardly ever go to anymore), I am physically and mentally drained.

Everybody says; enjoy it now, some day you will miss all of this.  They might be right, but right now this is hard as hell.

Can you relate?

6 comments

  1. And that’s why I worked either part-time (when son was pre-school) and full-time after that. Staying home with kids is the hardest job ever! And having a break is probably the best thing you can do for them and for you. My son stayed home with his two boys until last year, and the whole family is happier now that he’s working. It was great he could have the years he stayed home with them, though, and I know he wouldn’t trade it for anything. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beth, I feel your pain.

    However, I know that I can’t be a stay at home mom. God bless those who can, the daycare workers, and the teachers of the world. I owe them a huge debt of gratitude.

    I need more structure and as little chaos as possible. I also have a slight problem with control and my kids have a similar problem of rebelling against my control. The more I want to get somewhere; the longer it takes. It takes my 4 year old daughter 30 minutes to put on clothes in the morning. The first 28 minutes are me reminding her to put on clothes and not to worry about her accessories or her socks; while she stands there in her birthday suit.

    I love my kiddos to the moon and back and can’t wait to go on our adventures. However, I need to plan our adventures and I need a break to go to work to recover.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, all of what you are saying is true to me as well!
      It’s a true test whether you have patience or not trying to watch your little one do everything themselves. So many times I mumble under my breath, and we could have already been to the store and back if I was allowed to help you.
      Reminding them to not put your shoes (ok 1 shoe because the second is always no where to be found) before your clothes because then you won’t be able to get your clothes on…
      “I can do it myself!” Is a common phase that instantly gives me anxiety!

      Like

  3. I can totally relate. I was home for about 18 years with my kids. I do miss it! It was hard and very tiring but, I would much rather be home. Now I am raising my grandson and I am too old to be doing this again. I feel guilty but he goes to daycare, because I am working full time. We just do what we have to do. Being a mom is the most unselfish thing we will ever do. It is eorth it in the end. Do what is right for you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That balance of wanting to be there for everything, field trips, sick days, sports, this is where all of the guilt comes in.
      Then being home and able to do all of those things makes you insane. So then you feel guilty for that as well.
      Momming is hard!

      Like

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