You Should NOT Have Kids If:
You enjoy your privacy and personal space –
Starting in the womb these lil monsters start invading on your personal space. Excuse me, that is my rib cage you are practicing tae kwon do on. Sure, why don’t I go empty my bladder AGAIN because you enjoy resting on it so much. Then it turns into never occupying the bathroom alone again, I mean never! It will be many years until you get to watch your shows, unless you can stay up later than they can (ha ha you think so now…). You will need to be ready to eat many meals with a little person on your lap. Aaawwww don’t see how this can be a bad thing… Wait until you try to eat soup, pasta, or anything that will make a mess if spilt on you, because it will spill on you and them. You like sleeping on your side of the bed, be prepared to get a new creative way of sleeping (or trying to sleep, I should say).
If you get queasy easily –
There will be lots of poop, pee, spit up, vomit (no they are not the same), boogers, and blood. Just the boo boos alone are enough to make the best of us squirm. The poop quite often gets on you, whether it be a direct shot right from the source or while attempting to clean it off said little ones back, stomach, bum, belly button… I shit you not! Ha ha! The cuts, scraps, need for stitches, and head traumas can all make even the toughest feel like passing out!
If you love your friends and your marriage, how they are today –
Everything is going to change. Some friends will understand how your priorities have shifted and understand and will be supportive. You will lose some friends. The ones that need constant interaction (even if it is only a text). Some will be upset and mad that you no longer have time for them. Sorry not sorry, your children will come first and take up almost every minute of every day. The ones that understand are the ones that truly care about you, and never require any explanations.
balance harmony and time for your marriage becomes challenging with children. Dates nights are far and few between. You will both be so tired that things that used to be fun and exciting, will now seem like more work.
If you enjoy getting dressed up and looking presentable –
Okay to be fair many moms can do this. I am just not one of them. Mom bun, cozy pants, t-shirt, flip flops or some Sperrys, is my usual attire. Sometimes a tiny bit of eye shadow and mascara will get slapped on to go to work, sometimes even that seems impossible. As I tiptoe around the house at 6am trying my best to not wake any of the little banshees, my only real goal is to wear something that goes together and pray my shoes match (yes wearing 2 different shoes can happen).
When the kids are in their younger years, spit up, food, and other bodily fluids could be on your clothing, whether at home or in public, you just won’t care.
If you need sleep –
Well you will be completely shocked as to how little sleep you will get and how you can still even function. You will be tired like you have never been tired before. Hopefully your lack of sleep will not be held against you. Hopefully the people around you will understand you are not trying to be a bitch, you are just exhausted. You might say things, do things, not do things, forget things, imagine things, and even hear things that really there. Lack of sleep over a long period of time can do some crazy shit. Be prepared, ha ha, just kidding there is no way to prepare.
Want to be rich –
Diapers, you know the things that hold actual shit, they are outrageously expensive, and you will use a ton of them in the first 3ish years. Cribs, swings, bouncy chairs, activity floor mats, bottles, formula, baby food, wipes, clothes, shoes, bubble bath, baby bath tub… A car seat and stroller. Then a new car seat, and then a booster seat. How many damn seats does one person need? Okay you get it… It seems like such a huge amount of stuff needed for a person who is not even 2 feet tall. Then daycare. If you are working out of the home and do not have free labor, daycare will cost you a pretty penny!
I will say however, since having both boys off formula, one out of diapers, and both boys in their “forever” car seats, we have not magically saved any of that money we are no longer spending on these things.
Like a quiet, peaceful, and clean home –
You can kiss all of this goodbye!
You Can’t Imagine Your Heart and Soul Living Outside Your Body –
Your children will mean more to you than anything else in the entire world (or at least they should). With every smile, laugh, cry, milestone met, your heart will grow more and more. With every boo boo, heartache, and sadness you child feels, you will feel it 100X more. These feeling will be more intense than anything you have felt in your life to this point. This will be someone you will do everything in your power to make sure they are taken care of and safe, even putting yourself in the line of fire for. So if you are not prepared to feel love, pride, sadness, some mom guilt, gratitude, and the feeling of being blessed, then you probably shouldn’t have kids.