Every marriage with time, highs, and lows will change. Some will be good changes and well, some not so good. I often think of the life my husband and I had before our two little guys came along, and honestly I miss it sometimes.
I know my husband misses it. He will never say out loud he wishes certain things would go back to the way they were. First and foremost our intimacy. Intimacy in every way. The way we would spend time in bed, just talking, watching a movie, or giving back rubs. The date nights that no longer exist. The conversations we would have where we would laugh and laugh or very often even finish each others sentences. The spontaneity, and most of all the sex.
I often feel like I’m letting him down. I’m inadequate. I am not giving him all he needs as a man. I feel guilt, and lots of it. I feel insecure in my body and looks. I don’t show him any love or attention. I no longer do all of the little things that let him know I’m always thinking of him.
I am not doing these things consciously, to punish, or hurt him. I wish with all of my heart I wasn’t feeling this way. It is 100% my own issues and not his. He still tells me I’m beautiful and that he loves me very much. He still desires those close moments. It is I, that feels empty. Not empty as in I don’t love him, or don’t wish for that closeness again. I dream about it all the time.
The emptiness is; the fatigue and total lack of energy that has changed my priorities. I am tired, so tired! He does not understand that. He does not understand how this feeling of tiredness has changed me.
I spend days at work, although not a physical job it can be mentally draining at times. I spend long days there, from 7:30am until 5:00ish pm, Tuesday through Friday. I then come home to two crazy little boys that only want mom for everything. Mom needs to cook dinner, mom needs to get their juice, mom needs to clean up from dinner (which sometimes does not happen, and sometimes my husband will do it). Mom needs to give the boys their baths, which is mayhem! Mom needs to get them dressed, try to play some before bedtime, and cuddle up to watch an episode of Paw Patrol before bedtime. Mom needs to hold them, or carry them. Only mom can read a bedtime story, this is per Travis. Bedtime can be an exhausting event all in itself.
By about 9pm I am beyond ready for bed, I need sleep. My boys just recently started sleeping through the night, however I still don’t feel rested or have energy for anything. My poor husband will ask me to rub his back, and I’ll snap at him, “No, are you crazy?” is my usual response. Doesn’t he understand why I do not want to do one more thing for anyone?
Then I feel guilty, I feel awful. I wish I wanted to rub his back. Again it’s not him, it’s me. I have had my limit of feeling like someone needs or wants something (anything) from me. I just want quiet and sleep, and to be left alone.
I have always been one of those people (BK= before kids) that knew that a marriage needs to be put first. Not as in, you only worry about yourselves, together, as a couple, and no one else. More like making each other your priority and having a wonderful marriage will make everything else fall into place. Happy wife = happy life.
I still do believe this, I still want this, but damn it is hard. It’s really, really, frigging hard! I haven’t found the balance. I do still want it though, and for that reason, I will fight through this tough, demanding time, and get ME back. Of course I will always be mom first (as I would never change that for a second), but I will be a wife, and but most importantly Beth again. I keep telling myself these are some of the toughest years, but my husband and I will get through it and come out even better.
For my husband (if he were to ever read this) I love you more today than I did yesterday. I will love you more tomorrow, than I do today. I will work on getting back to ME. Please be patient, understanding, and love me until I get there. Our family of five is amazing! It might not be as we envisioned it right now, but we will get it back. Let’s do this together! Let’s get back to our fun, loving, and crazy marriage. I say we start now! Giving our marriage the time and attention it needs. Let’s show our three crazy boys what a truly blessed marriage looks like.
Having children changes EVERYTHING! It certainly isn’t easy, but aren’t the best things in life worth the tough times. Children add more love and joy than you could ever imagine before having them. They are also the true meaning of family and love.