Noooooooooooo! They’re awake. It’s only 5:45 am, Jesus Christ why can’t these kids just sleep a little later. Maybe they will fall back to sleep if I don’t make a noise. I want to roll over and get more comfortable, but I don’t dare. I think I have to pee, hold it, no way am I going to let these kids know I’m awake. None of my tactics work, here comes Travis busting through our bedroom door, and so it begins…
Just a “normal” day in the life of 2 toddler boys under 3…
Travis is obsessed right now with Paw Patrol. We have seen every episode countless times. We even watch it in the car. So at 5:45am he will bring his pillow and blankie in our room and either lay in bed with us (which is great) and want to watch it, or he demands to go out into our living room to watch on the big TV. When he demands the living room, if I even mention waiting just a few minutes, that is our first meltdown of the day.
We make it to the living room by 5:49am, I am taking entirely way too long to get his show on and he lets me know it. It’s on, finally a moment’s peace. Yeah right, Travis is hungry he needs to eat now. I mention a few of the regular breakfast selections, pancakes, cereal, waffles, oatmeal… Oh no he wants lollipops, popsicles or Oreos. When I say no = meltdown number 2. Ok yes this is a #badmom moment, fine eat the damn Oreo…
Christopher is awake. Travis can hear him talking from his bedroom. Travis will say “Mom let’s go get my buddy!” So we do. Christopher used to be a happy go lucky baby when he woke up, but not anymore, he is now just like his momma! He too needs food, but first let’s change that diaper that is soaking wet. He gets pissed. He hates having his diaper changed right away, but it usually can not wait because he is soaked (which also means changing the frigging crib sheets, which if you have had to do this, you know what a total pain in the ass it is). All I am thinking about while I’m fighting him to get a new diaper on is, seriously it is only 6:05am.
I make them “real” breakfast, usually twice, because they won’t eat a bite of the first breakfast I made. Same for the second, but then that’s it. I leave it out for them, eat it if you want, or don’t, I’m not a personal chef. “I NEED juice!” Okay let me hurry up and get that for you. I give them each their own sippy cups. Well Travis will drink his quick and then steal Christopher’s. Fight number 2 starts. My new thing I tell Travis is “If it is in Christopher’s hands, you do not take it.” Yeah Travis looks at me like, yeah ok bullshit lady, if I want it I will take it.
I smell poop! Who has poop in their pants? Not me Travis will shout. Come on Christopher, let’s go change your diaper, again. Yup he is pissed again at me. We might as well get you ready and dressed for the day. He looks cute, some jeans and a cute little shirt, aawwww. I get Travis to come in the room to get changed too. He is starting to have a preference to what pants and shirts he will be wearing for the day. I just let him pick, I’m not up for fight number 3 just yet.
It’s now about 7am. “Mom can we go outside?” “No not yet, it is way too early.” “Mom it’s not too early, the sun is out!” Oh good Lord, here it comes… Nope sorry buddy it is still too early, in a little bit we can go. All hell breaks lose, fight number 3 has just erupted! I can usually end it with another Oreo. I smell poop! Who has poop now? Oh you both do, super let’s get changed again…
We need to do something to pass the time away and I’m not open/ready to their ideas. No outside, no painting (with real paint and brushes), no hammering the walls, no jumping off the couch, no playing in the toilet, no emptying all of the cabinets, and finally no scribbling on the walls with anything. Please boys can we just do something quiet and relaxing for a little bit?!?!?! Then they say no to all of my suggestions; no books, no Play-Doh, no coloring, no watching the ABCD song (please something other than Paw Patrol). So I pick the least of all evils. Go for it boys, hammer away.
Christopher likes his sleep. He is begging for his nap by 8:30am. Well there goes my plan of having them nap together so I could possibly get something done. Christopher is sleeping which Travis knows he needs to be quiet, but usually thinks it is extremely funny to scream his head off. Not scream as in crying, screaming. More like ROW, ROW, ROW, YOUR BOAT, (some inaudible words) MERRILLY MERRILY MERRILLY STREAM… Over and over. Which in some moments can be extremely adorable, just not when he is trying to wake up his cranky pants brother. I must ask to be quiet about 10-20 times, with no avail.
So he and I will play a game, pack a lunch and snacks so we can go somewhere, anywhere, after Christopher wakes up. I smell poop! Travis do you have poop in your pants? Nooooo, as he is still going. Okay we will get back to that in a few minutes when you are all done, okay buddy. I ask him, what do you want to do today Travis? He always wants to go to the “jump place.” Which is a really great indoor play area local to us, called KidZone. Or he will say, he wants to go see the animals. Which means he wants to go to Roger Williams Park & Zoo. Either or sounds great to me, so I continue to pack. About ten minutes has gone by and Travis has been unusually quiet. As I find him by our sofa in the living room, he is beyond excited and proud to show me his poop. Yup diaper off, poop on his butt, and the disgusting poop hanging from his diaper, ready to fall right on the carpet. OMG Travis don’t move! What am I stupid? In toddler talk that translates to, RUN!!! He is running, poop is flying, then he skids (more than just sliding) onto the hardwoods. There is a poop trail about 3 feet long on the floor from his skid, and poop smeared a bunch of other places. Now 9am in the morning, I’m begging to be kidnapped. Someone, anyone, please steal me, but leave my kids so their dad has to deal with them for a full 24 hours alone. I’ve been up 3 hours and it feels like 24.
“Mommy, my buddy is awake, let’s go get him!” Yes he is awake, let’s get him and get out of this house before you both destroy it or me. I get both boys ready to go, their lunches are packed, coats, and shoes on. I smell poop. “You wait here while I quickly change your brother.” “No I want to come, I need to come!” Christopher fights me again on the changing table. At this point I’m thinking listen kid if you think I’m loving this, you are so wrong. If I get one more shitty diaper today, I think I’ll die.
We are ready, finally. I got both kids to the car and in their car seats with no issues! One bonus point for mom. They are wonderful in the car. I’m not sure if it is the car seat restraints or another episode of Paw Patrol playing on the minivan (oh yeah we are in minivan hell) DVD player. Either way I don’t care, I have quiet. For about 4 minutes until I hear “are we there yet?” “Mom will we be there soon?” Yes soon, thank God we live in the smallest state in the US and the most it could take would be an hour to get from one end to the other end of the state. However to the zoo only takes 15 minutes. We get to the zoo, they are amazing. Like totally different children.
They are so entertained by everything going on, they forget about trying to drive mom bat shit crazy. HALLELUJAH! I spend as much time here as possible, until they are about ready to fall asleep walking. We decide to leave, they are angels getting back into the car and fall asleep before we are out of the park. I can feel my body relax, and with that a huge sigh of relief that we have just about made it through the entire day. We get home, I put them both down to nap. Yes, they both go down together, there are no words to describe how that feels.
Daddy gets home from work and now both boys are waking up from their naps. I feel a little stronger now because I have back up. However I’m not sure the boys are very confident in daddy’s abilities because all I hear is: “mommy I want juice!” “Mommy I want fruit snacks, I want to play Play-Doh, Mommy I want you to hold me, Mommy…Mommy…Mommy!” Oh man, please make it stop.
Dinner time!!! Travis is famous for never wanting to eat his meals. So I immediately hear “I DON’T WANT DINNA!” Here we go meltdown number 4. I have decided I am not willing to fight that battle anymore. My husband still insists that he eats, Travis is winning. Screw it, you don’t want to eat, then don’t eat. You will when you’re hungry. Ten maybe fifteen minutes go by… “Mommy, I want an Oreo.” I think my husband is about to lose it. I shake my head at him, as if to say, you have no idea.
Bath time= mommy getting the kids in the tub together, but continuously telling Travis to stop this, stop that, don’t jump on your brother, don’t pour that cup of water onto the bathroom floor, the sides of the tub are not water slides, don’t drink the water from the tub. Then there is Christopher… CHRIS–TO–PHERRRRR!
There is no pooping in the tub! Hurry up you guys need to get out while I fish out the poop, drain and clean the tub, then get you back in to rinse off the soap. Again I look for my prayers to be answered, “Calgon take me away!”
Now we are all poop free, clean tub, jammies on and hair & teeth brushed, we can sit and relax before bed. Which translates to watching one more episode of Paw Patrol. We get through it, when the credits come on, the boys know it is bed time. My husband and I bring them in their bedroom together and do our kisses and hugs. I have a special thing with them. I reach way up high and tell them “I love you up to the stars and down to your belly” They laugh when I tickle their little bellies. I say “goodnight, sweet dreams, and I will see you in the morning.” I am realizing I, no we, have made it through another day. Aaahhhhhh… Then I smell poop!